Every year, I think that this is the last time I’m writing a blog on 3rd October, which is always in the form of a conversation with you and last year, I managed to distract myself by not feeling sad thinking about you. Still, I failed miserably, so this year, I’m back to my old ways, the same thing I’ve been doing for the past nine years- Talk to you throughout the night, wake up and get done with school/work and then celebrate my best friend’s birthday, not meeting anyone else. I am writing a blog because I don’t know any other way to express myself, and I like reading these conversations years later, but most importantly, because I don’t want to talk about you with anyone else, nobody will understand my attachment to you.
Every year, I tell you how I feel, but this year, it’s only a list of complaints- just like the old days when you used to fix it all (I hope you do your magic this year also).
It’s been nine long years since you’re gone, and the line between what I remember of you and things that actually happened is blurring now. I’m scared that in 2 years, the time I got to spend with you will be equivalent to the time I would’ve spent without you, and I know you know that there was a time when I couldn’t think of a time without you, a future without you and look at us now. Sometimes, I used to wonder what it was like to be that happy; sometimes, I used to wonder what it was like to have you around, but now it just feels like a dream I wish I never woke up from.
I hate to say this, but you gave me the best memories of my life, but along with that, you gave me the worst memory of my life, the final goodbye. That day, like I said before, I lost a part of myself, and life has never been the same since then. It’s not like it’s been rough or something; it indeed has its ups and downs, but the highs don’t feel high enough compared to the old times.
Whenever I feel alone in Pune, I think about you. You were there for your son; you were there for your daughter, but what about me? Why do I have to live there alone? You know, nobody from the family has ever come to meet me in Pune; nobody even knows how I live there. I wonder what it would’ve been like if you were there for me. The last time I was in Pune, I didn’t eat anything for 26 hours, and it’s so typical for me now, but with you, I don’t remember an hour passing without you feeding me. Maybe that’s why I don’t like being in Pune.
I’ve changed a lot since then; I still don’t cry because I know you are still watching me (11-year-old me would be proud), and I still talk to you through the stars; maybe that’s the reason I enjoy being alone (with you) from time to time (solo trips definitely help). People ask me how do you manage to stay alone for so long. I don’t think I have an answer for that because I’m never alone; you are always with me from somewhere in the stars. Thanks for never letting me do anything wrong to anyone; I’ll always be the best person around.
Mumma says I’ve got some of your bad habits too like we can’t remember people. Many people know me, but I forget some of them, and it gets awkward a lot of times; I’m sure you face that in heaven, too, after all you are my Nani.
I keep thinking about how every action of yours shaped me into the person I am today.
But what I learnt this year is that it took me nine long years to realise that your leaving me made me a better person, but did you ever think about do I want to be that person you wanted me to become? What the world wants me to become? No, even if I become the perfect person, I don’t think it would mean much to me if I don’t have you to call and tell me about what I achieved.
You changed from being the first person I would call to the first person I would think about when anything good happens to me, and I changed from being the most carefree person in the world to the one who cares the most, all because of you.
Anything I do now is only for the people around me, our family and my friends. I don’t even know what I want for myself anymore because anything I’ve wanted, you’ve given me, or you’ve taught me how to earn it. I don’t even get gifts anymore, anything I want. I can get it for myself, and I don’t have to ask anyone for it. It’s something I always wanted, but I loved those surprises of getting different things every day from you and going to different places with you, and now I feel like I’m in your place. I like being in your position now; giving is the most satisfying thing I can do, and seeing my people smile is enough to make me happy. The only time my actions have meaning is when I’m doing something for someone else without selfish interests.
I want to become like you in many more ways, and I pray to be remembered like you.
But I don’t know how to deal with the feeling of never being enough, no matter how much I do. I wish you were here to tell me you’re proud of me because it’s always on my mind that what if you aren’t? What if I’m failing? What if I don’t live up to the expectations? With you gone, nobody tells me that, and I’m scared because when I die, I don’t want to be just another star in the universe; I want to be next to the brightest star because I have to stay right beside you to tell you everything I did.
One last thing: can you tell god I’m willing to trade anything I’ve earned in this life if I get to meet you one more time? He doesn’t listen to me. Thanks.
Miss you more than mangoes.
Love you more than anyone.
Your Ansh
Leave a Reply