Today is a day I’ve been imagining for quite a few years now. What would a decade without you look like? I had so much on my mind when writing these blogs every 3rd of October, but I’m entirely lost today. It feels like I write the same conversation, rephrasing it every year, and it’s somewhat true. I have only one thing on my mind: next year, I’ll start losing my memories of you; the time I spent with you will be less than what I would’ve lived without you. Even though you know those 11 years were the best years of my life, were they enough to cherish forever? I don’t know how long I’ll live or how many people I will meet, but I know one thing for sure is that I’ll never let you go.
People must think I’m stupid and mentally ill, writing imaginary conversations with my late grandmother every year for the last decade, but they don’t know what we know. You were so different that people in school used to think I was lying about the crazy things we used to do every day.
The last decade felt so long yet so slow. I don’t feel like talking about what I did, what happened and my long list of complaints. I’ll save them for when we’re together up there. I’ll talk about this year. This year was tough for me and probably my worst after 2014. Even though I did everything I told you I wanted to do last year, I was right about one more thing- “the highs don’t feel high enough.” I used to call you ‘first’ whenever I achieved something, and now I don’t like to talk about it to anyone. I’m scared. I never got the same excitement, and it took me ten years to realise that achieving for me has never been about just myself; it has always been about how the people around me react to it; it has always been about how they will respond to it, making them happy. Maybe all my friends are right; I’m too dumb to differentiate between success and failure. But does being successful matter if it doesn’t make my people proud?
I have faced all my worst nightmares (I could imagine happening this year) come true. Life hasn’t been kind to me, and I don’t think I’ve ever needed you more; I don’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep, and I wish you could magically make my sleepless nights disappear. I went to the hospital for the first time without you this year, and I never knew that it was scarier than I had remembered. All I wondered was how protected I was, and there were so many more terrifying things ahead of me that I’d have to face, maybe even alone. I preach to live it like Ansh, and Ansh himself has forgotten how to live like Ansh. Solitude has always made me feel good, but I’m not sure about months of that.
Quoting a song I’ve been listening to on loop-
“And I don’t want the world to see me.
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand.
When everything’s made to be broken.
I just want you to know who I am.”
Do you even hear me out when I’m sitting somewhere talking to you? Please let me know that you’re listening. It’s tough for me to open up, and I don’t have anyone to talk to except Buddy, but he’s a terrible listener; he starts kissing my face mid-conversation. No one ever gets me like you did.
I’ve mentioned quite a few times before that I wouldn’t say I like talking about you to anyone, and since this is the only information/ conversation about you I make public, I don’t want to make everyone cry; it’s against our no-tears pact (10 years strong it is today).
I’ve been exploring a lot of questions I’ve had, mainly related to myself and God. I have visited 15+ temples of high significance around India, and I’ve never felt wiser than this. Last year, I realised giving is the ultimate gift you can give to yourself. Sacrificing isn’t always sad, be it the last slice of pizza or some portraits of Gandhiji. Nothing gives me more satisfaction than doing something for others, and I make it very clear every time that I’m doing it for my selfish interests. It makes me feel closer to you; it makes me think that I’m becoming you. Since I mentioned Gandhiji, I’ll quote him only- “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I like imagining myself spreading what you have taught me and everything you have made me. This year, I worked more towards my goals, ensuring the globe will be a much better place when I won’t be around.
I hope the world sees how loved I am the way I see it, and I hope to spread the same love to every soul I pass. I thank you for not letting me do anyone the slightest wrong, and I hope it continues to be this way for the decades to come. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by everything I’ve set out to achieve, but then I remember it’s not just my dream but yours and others. The fact that so many people look up to me keeps my chest up, and you watching me from the stars keeps my head high. The sky can never be the limit for the horizon, and nothing can stop Kshitij from reaching the stars (you).
I am ending our conversation with my same old wish of meeting you again, hugging you again and maybe even crying again with you there to wipe my tears with your saree, kissing my palm, being even more sad than I am. I’ll keep praying to God to make it happen, and the only thing I feel good about today is that even if God has denied me for nine years, it will never be more than double digits of denial before I finally get what I want.
Love you more than mangoes.
Ansh
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